The Great Indian Tamasha - The Ultimate Reaity Show!

Its that season again when Uncle Sam chooses its President and his deputy. This time, the seasoned White Elephant has chosen a rookie moose-catching Barracuda from Eskimo-land who seems to be the object of desire of many, including the President of Pakistan(may Ms.Bhutto's soul R.I.P). However, the media-loving Dark Donkey has won hearts (and a Hanuman statue) across America and the globe with his motto of 'I believe in omnipresence'. So as the four contenders battle it out face-to-face on American television with more than 50 million people watching, here's what might happen if our top desi netas would debate on TV...

1. There won't be enough space on the podium for all parties. Even if they can all somehow manage to squeeze themselves into a single stage, there will be more melee on stage than when a cat is let loose into a dog show.
   
2. Assuming the first task is complete and we have managed to get all the 'leaders' onto the podium, seating them is another issue. Our netas cannot stand each other. Why, some of them are so old that they cannot stand at all. Hence elaborate seating arrangements must be made on stage. The stage will then resemble the Calcutta Black Hole.
3. A few(or rather most) of them will stage walkouts, (literally)sling mud at and shout slogans against one another.
4. Most, if not all speakers, will unanimously call for indefinite adjournment and postponement of the debate session.
5. The average sound intensity in the vicinity will be no less than 120dB. That is the noise made by a jet taking off 200m away or by Maria Sharapova at Wimbledon.
   
6. If Shivraj Patil is one of the 'speakers', he will need a change of clothes every 15 minutes. Terrorism can wait, but our Honourable Home Minister's wardrobe apparently can't.
7. In the common interest of the moderator and the politicians, footwear, tomatoes, stones, bottles and any such throw-able materials will not be allowed inside the venue.
8. Choosing a moderator too won't be an easy task. Care must also be taken so as to not shameface any of the 'dignitaries' on stage by asking them uncomfortable questions. The 'chosen one' must be completely unbiased and neutral. Or better yet, prominent faces which have nothing between their ears will fit the bill quite perfectly. Contenders that come to mind are Rakhi Sawant, Karan Johar, Mallika Sherawat and Mandira Bedi.
9. The venue of the debate must be a place devoid of any terror threat. It must be a happy place where people don't care about religion, caste, creed or anything basically. My suggestions would therefore be Dubai, Las Vegas, Madagascar, Rejkavik or Dakshin Gangotri, the Indian base in Antarctica.
10. Since it will be broadcast on the one and only Doordarshan, it can be touted and marketed as Doordarshan's first reality show.
    

So will you be witness to The Great Indian Tamasha, the ultimate reality show in the history of Indian television?